Day One of This Journey

So I decided to start a blog.  I wanted to get my feelings and dreams out to the world in the hopes that I may find some peace.  My blog is titled "All I Have Are Dreams" which is exactly how I feel at the moment.  I am living in a dream-world, with my obsessions guiding me day after day.  I am obsessed with having a child/getting pregnant/wanting a baby so bad.  We have been trying for so long and lost so many babies.  I know there are other women out there that have lost many more than I have, couples that have had a baby only to lose them due to SIDS or medical issues, parents that have watched their children grow, only to lose them to an accident or worse.  I am in my world though, reliving my horrifying days over and over, anniversary days get harder, seeing others with babies and children and being so jealous of them I only see green and get so bitter.  I have, at times, forsaken God - how can someone that is supposed to be righteous be so very cruel?  And yet, I look to the skies and pray.  Other times I look up and curse Him, ask him "why me? What have I done to deserve this?"  I know there was nothing I did wrong to have all those miscarriages, I know there was nothing we could have done to prevent it.  But, what if?  I could have been put on bed rest from the start with Kayden, with the one we lost July 1/08 at 18 weeks, maybe I should have requested an emergency ultrasound or a second opinion from someone, maybe I shouldn't have gone camping that weekend.  With the one we lost on September 27/07, if we had even known we were pregnant, I shouldn't have drank so much coffee, should have taken better care of myself.  Yes, I do beat myself up everyday over this.  If I didn't have a "broken" body - we would have healthy babies & children right now.  I need to stop living in the past - but I see no future at the moment.