Morning Blues

So I am sitting here drinking coffee (which I want to stop) and listening to Power Rangers on TV in the living room.  One of my daycare boys is watching it.  It's hard some days to look after other people's children, and yet have none of my own.  I dreamt again last night of being pregnant (this is a norm) and shockingly I was pregnant with 5!  I remember someone commenting about it, and I merely said "God finally heard my prayers and decided to give me back all my babies".  Was in the hospital from the start - on bed rest.  I realize now that I truly miss being in the hospital - I had really no worries - although I always thought I was being a pain in the ass, as there were many others in there.  I refuse to treat the nurses as servants - I just don't think that's right.  They are here to help us recover and to take care of illnesses, not fluff pillows and get us tea!  Of course, I remember there being days where I was incredibly lonely - thought no one cared anymore about me.  I was hurt that no one from work had come to visit, but they had lives too.  Of course after everything I just wanted to be alone - didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to relive everything.  Now, being almost a year since our last loss, I can talk about it - I am ready.  There are very few people that I have talked to - as the support (in my mind) has been diminished.  I always feel like there are people rolling their eyes every time I start to tell my story.  Today is Baby Loss Awareness Day, and I am wholly participating in it.  Candles will be lit for each of my angels - as well as I will be taking photos of a display I will make.  It needs to be done, I am ready.