Friday, October 15, 2010
Wave of Light 2010
Morning Blues
So I am sitting here drinking coffee (which I want to stop) and listening to Power Rangers on TV in the living room. One of my daycare boys is watching it. It's hard some days to look after other people's children, and yet have none of my own. I dreamt again last night of being pregnant (this is a norm) and shockingly I was pregnant with 5! I remember someone commenting about it, and I merely said "God finally heard my prayers and decided to give me back all my babies". Was in the hospital from the start - on bed rest. I realize now that I truly miss being in the hospital - I had really no worries - although I always thought I was being a pain in the ass, as there were many others in there. I refuse to treat the nurses as servants - I just don't think that's right. They are here to help us recover and to take care of illnesses, not fluff pillows and get us tea! Of course, I remember there being days where I was incredibly lonely - thought no one cared anymore about me. I was hurt that no one from work had come to visit, but they had lives too. Of course after everything I just wanted to be alone - didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to relive everything. Now, being almost a year since our last loss, I can talk about it - I am ready. There are very few people that I have talked to - as the support (in my mind) has been diminished. I always feel like there are people rolling their eyes every time I start to tell my story. Today is Baby Loss Awareness Day, and I am wholly participating in it. Candles will be lit for each of my angels - as well as I will be taking photos of a display I will make. It needs to be done, I am ready.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
My Nightmares
I wasn't sure what to call this blog - nightmares seem to fit. I want to share with you my story through the years of losing my babies and the fateful days when I experienced it. For those that are faint of heart - this is very descriptive and may disgust some people. Our story began on September 27, 1997. I woke up that morning to get ready for work, and wasn't feeling all that well, but hey, I just went through the weekend with horrible "menstrual cramps" and feeling shitty. I hadn't had my period in awhile, and thought that it was here with a vengeance. Little did I know. Anyway, I went into the shower that morning and all of a sudden I was bleeding - ALOT. It wouldn't stop - kept pouring out of me. I screamed for Shaun, as I didn't know what to do - got him to call work - and we rushed into town to the ER. I've got a towel rolled up between my legs - it was terrible. Got in right away (surprising) and I was left to sit on a toilet in the examining room. Had one doctor come in with the most clueless look on his face - didn't know what was happening. They got me to finally get up on a bed - then the nurse wanted me to sit up, as they were going to change the bed? I don't know. Sat up and felt a huge mass coming out - then I passed out. This was Shaun's first experience with me fainting. It's kind of blurry after that - I remember being in yet another examining room - lab techs coming in to draw blood. I remember my family there, Shaun, mom and Ryan. They had all gone for a cigarette when the doctor came in. He told me that I had been pregnant and had lost it. Well, I remember losing it then. Screaming and crying, saying "we have been trying for over a year now..." The nurse at the time, took my hand and whispered in my year, "I too, have had a miscarriage, and it's okay to cry". Shaun came in and no one would tell him what was going on - I had to tell him that our first child was gone. They then took me to another room - and the doctor on call - I'm not sure how to describe this - he went up in there (my vagina) and "scraped" me out. Felt like he was stirring a pitcher of juice. It was the most horrible feeling I've ever had. I know now that he was basically performing a D&C, only most people are sent into surgery and aren't awake for it. They left me in the room for awhile longer, and I had to pee, so Shaun was making sure I was okay, when I passed out again. I guess I cracked my head a couple times and I wouldn't wake right away - he had to call for a nurse. I remember them saying they needed to keep checking my white blood count - if it didn't rise, they would have to do a transfusion.
Our next story begins in March of 2008, as we found out we were pregnant (yay!) a month after our dear friend and brother-in-law passed away from cancer. Blessings from above - figured it was Ryan coming back to us. The pregnancy went well, I was not having morning sickness, normal doctor's appointments, the only thing I ended up with was a bladder infection sometime in June. I remember one morning getting up and going to the bathroom and feeling a "gush" when I went - I figured something was up with my bladder, but there was a bloody discharge. We went up to emergency and they did an ultrasound - the doctor said my fluid level was low - and asked when my next ultrasound would be. I said on July 22, and he told me they would see what was going on then. The baby was okay - heartbeat was strong. This was our first glance of our "baby" as I was around 16 weeks then. Was sent home, and the following Wednesday had an appointment with my doctor. She told me that all was well (we Dopplered the heartbeat) and the "leaking" was normal (I was still dripping at this point). We then went camping for the weekend. I was feeling okay - no cramping or anything like that, but I still had some discharge, but as the doctors had told me, perfectly normal. I had to work that Monday, as a co-worker was off that day, and I remember having to do alot - the other person there decided that it was better for her to talk all day rather than helping me out. Shaun and I went out for supper that night with some of Shaun's friends and they were going to go over to one of their girlfriend's house, but by then I wasn't feeling all that great, so he took me home. I woke up at 3am with more bleeding, so I went up to the ER. I didn't wake Shaun up, as I had no idea what time he had come home, and I didn't want to disturb him. Went up to emergency and proceeded to sit there for two hours waiting - there were only two other people in there with sore wrists (they had gotten drunk and hurt themselves) a crazy lady was hauled in by the cops (she was screaming she was an angel) and me - still waiting. I got pissed off and finally left. As I drove away, I coughed, and the baby came out of me. I went back in and screamed at the reception nurse that I had just lost my baby. Was rushed into a room and I said to the nurse that I didn't want to look, she would have to. We pulled down my pants and she gasped - said I have to go get someone. All of a sudden there were nurses and doctors everywhere. I remember screaming again - and the doctor asking me if I wanted to see it. At that point I said no, but I am regretting that decision now. I would have liked to know what it was - so I can name it. I remember them calling my house - no answer, everyone was still sleeping - calling my sister and she came there. They put in a IV and gave me some sort of pills in my vagina to start contractions - the placenta never came. I was there in emergency all day, and finally at 6pm they decided to take me into surgery, as I had been there so long, and the placenta never came. The doctor did a D&C, and afterwards when she came to see me, she told me that my uterus had collapsed around it. I spent the night in the hospital, and when I went down for an ultrasound (to see if they had gotten everything) I noticed a picture on my door of Mary and a child. I didn't realize it at the time, but now know that they put that there when there has been a miscarriage or baby loss. All night I heard the cries of babies, as I was on the maternity floor. When my sister came to get me the next day, they gave me pamphlets of baby loss and as I was standing there waiting for my antibiotics, a proud dad came to the desk - they handed him a gift basket with stuff for baby. I lost it - then my sister commented on how cruel it was to keep someone that has just lost a baby in the same area as everyone else. I was 18 weeks - it was after researching that I came up with the diagnosis that I had an incompetent cervix. My baby had died on July 1, 2008.
Our next pregnancy was right away, and we were so sure that this was going to be the "one". With my research and knowing now what we didn't know then, we were prepared. The pregnancy was going smoothly, I was put on light duty at work, discussed putting in a cerclage with my doctor. On December 4, 2008, I went into surgery to "sew it up". Surgery went well, was on my way to a healthy baby. Went back to work, as we figured with the stitch all would be well. January 7, 2009 I had my 20 week ultrasound. 20 weeks! A milestone! Went to my appointment, and later that evening got a phone call message from my doctor saying to put my feet up, relax and I was done work. My appointment with him wasn't until the next week and I really couldn't talk to him, but I figured they found something with my cervix. Went to my appointment, and sure enough, there was funneling, and my cervix was shortening. Went to work and told them I was now on "bed rest" and would not be back to work. The next morning I got up, went to the bathroom and there was some blood. Called my sister and she took me up to emergency. Luckily I am now 21 weeks and can actually go to the maternity emergency, rather than downstairs (they won't take anyone up there until 20 weeks). They had discovered that there was membranes coming out, and had to do another emergency stitch. I was then hospitalized. I was to be sent out to The Royal Alexander Hospital in Edmonton when I got to 24 weeks, they then would be giving my boy steroid shots to mature him quicker. We never made it. I ended up having him on January 24, 2009. I had sneezed a couple days before that and "blew out" the second stitch. I had some trauma on the Friday (which I will not talk about) and the next morning my water had broke ( so I had thought, but apparently there was still a bulge of fluid there) and I went into contractions. The contractions eased off throughout the day, and after everyone but Shaun left, they started again. They checked, and Kayden's head had gone past the side of the stitch, so they had to cut it. We delivered him around 7pm, and he lived for an hour and a half. I remember just crying and crying - Shaun was crying (this was the first time ever) and I was saying I'm sorry. They had cleaned him up and brought him to us - he died in Shaun's arms. I spent another night in the hospital and the next morning I just wanted to leave - the crying babies were driving me off the deep end. As we were leaving the room, I glanced at the door. Lost it. "I never wanted to see that picture again" I was crying to the nurse. Went home empty handed yet again. Kayden Ryan Forbes was born and grew his wings January 24, 2009. I miss him so much - his kicking, and he kept wedging his foot down where the funneling was - I used to give him shit for that - now I would give anything to have that feeling again...
Went to see a specialist at the Royal Alex in March and he told us to wait before trying again. He figured it was too early - to not try to get a "replacement". Replacement? We wanted a baby!!!! I went to my own doctor and he told me there wasn't time to wait. "The clock was ticking". The months went by, purchasing test after test and still no positive. Then in September, we found out we were expecting again. Our joy would be short-lived. I ended up spotting again in October, went up to the ER again, they said that my HCG levels were good, but come back in three days. Went back in 2 (I had to work that Monday) and they discovered my levels had not dropped, but were not rising. Told to come back again, and I went back, but I was still pregnant, only the levels were the same. On the Sunday, I was having excruciating pain. Thought that I was constipated, as that was the feeling. The Monday morning I finally went up to emergency, when the pain was too much to bear. They couldn't figure out what was wrong - put me on morphine. They called in the resident obgyn, and then took me to ultrasound. The tech asked me if I was sure I was pregnant, as there was no baby there. Back to emergency I go, to wait. Finally they decided to stick a camera through my belly button to check for an ectopic. If there was, he would operate. Come to find out, I was too overweight to do the camera, and they had to open me up anyway. Yes, it was an ectopic. Yes, the tube had burst. I had been internally bleeding for 3-4 days. He pulled out two blood clots the size of his hands - there was close to a litre of blood pooling in my pelvis. I lost the tube and now had a cesarean scar. Gone home empty handed again and yet have a scar that will forever remind me of the baby that isn't. My doctor says that the ectopic was a fluke, as I have no pre-disposition to having that problem. He commends me on how well I am taking it all, as some women would be angry at him and the health system. Why be angry? There was nothing any of us could do. Perhaps there were different choices we could have made - perhaps.
Now I pray everyday to be pregnant again, and yet am scared shitless. What if it happens again? What if I die this time? Will chasing a dream kill me?
Our next story begins in March of 2008, as we found out we were pregnant (yay!) a month after our dear friend and brother-in-law passed away from cancer. Blessings from above - figured it was Ryan coming back to us. The pregnancy went well, I was not having morning sickness, normal doctor's appointments, the only thing I ended up with was a bladder infection sometime in June. I remember one morning getting up and going to the bathroom and feeling a "gush" when I went - I figured something was up with my bladder, but there was a bloody discharge. We went up to emergency and they did an ultrasound - the doctor said my fluid level was low - and asked when my next ultrasound would be. I said on July 22, and he told me they would see what was going on then. The baby was okay - heartbeat was strong. This was our first glance of our "baby" as I was around 16 weeks then. Was sent home, and the following Wednesday had an appointment with my doctor. She told me that all was well (we Dopplered the heartbeat) and the "leaking" was normal (I was still dripping at this point). We then went camping for the weekend. I was feeling okay - no cramping or anything like that, but I still had some discharge, but as the doctors had told me, perfectly normal. I had to work that Monday, as a co-worker was off that day, and I remember having to do alot - the other person there decided that it was better for her to talk all day rather than helping me out. Shaun and I went out for supper that night with some of Shaun's friends and they were going to go over to one of their girlfriend's house, but by then I wasn't feeling all that great, so he took me home. I woke up at 3am with more bleeding, so I went up to the ER. I didn't wake Shaun up, as I had no idea what time he had come home, and I didn't want to disturb him. Went up to emergency and proceeded to sit there for two hours waiting - there were only two other people in there with sore wrists (they had gotten drunk and hurt themselves) a crazy lady was hauled in by the cops (she was screaming she was an angel) and me - still waiting. I got pissed off and finally left. As I drove away, I coughed, and the baby came out of me. I went back in and screamed at the reception nurse that I had just lost my baby. Was rushed into a room and I said to the nurse that I didn't want to look, she would have to. We pulled down my pants and she gasped - said I have to go get someone. All of a sudden there were nurses and doctors everywhere. I remember screaming again - and the doctor asking me if I wanted to see it. At that point I said no, but I am regretting that decision now. I would have liked to know what it was - so I can name it. I remember them calling my house - no answer, everyone was still sleeping - calling my sister and she came there. They put in a IV and gave me some sort of pills in my vagina to start contractions - the placenta never came. I was there in emergency all day, and finally at 6pm they decided to take me into surgery, as I had been there so long, and the placenta never came. The doctor did a D&C, and afterwards when she came to see me, she told me that my uterus had collapsed around it. I spent the night in the hospital, and when I went down for an ultrasound (to see if they had gotten everything) I noticed a picture on my door of Mary and a child. I didn't realize it at the time, but now know that they put that there when there has been a miscarriage or baby loss. All night I heard the cries of babies, as I was on the maternity floor. When my sister came to get me the next day, they gave me pamphlets of baby loss and as I was standing there waiting for my antibiotics, a proud dad came to the desk - they handed him a gift basket with stuff for baby. I lost it - then my sister commented on how cruel it was to keep someone that has just lost a baby in the same area as everyone else. I was 18 weeks - it was after researching that I came up with the diagnosis that I had an incompetent cervix. My baby had died on July 1, 2008.
Our next pregnancy was right away, and we were so sure that this was going to be the "one". With my research and knowing now what we didn't know then, we were prepared. The pregnancy was going smoothly, I was put on light duty at work, discussed putting in a cerclage with my doctor. On December 4, 2008, I went into surgery to "sew it up". Surgery went well, was on my way to a healthy baby. Went back to work, as we figured with the stitch all would be well. January 7, 2009 I had my 20 week ultrasound. 20 weeks! A milestone! Went to my appointment, and later that evening got a phone call message from my doctor saying to put my feet up, relax and I was done work. My appointment with him wasn't until the next week and I really couldn't talk to him, but I figured they found something with my cervix. Went to my appointment, and sure enough, there was funneling, and my cervix was shortening. Went to work and told them I was now on "bed rest" and would not be back to work. The next morning I got up, went to the bathroom and there was some blood. Called my sister and she took me up to emergency. Luckily I am now 21 weeks and can actually go to the maternity emergency, rather than downstairs (they won't take anyone up there until 20 weeks). They had discovered that there was membranes coming out, and had to do another emergency stitch. I was then hospitalized. I was to be sent out to The Royal Alexander Hospital in Edmonton when I got to 24 weeks, they then would be giving my boy steroid shots to mature him quicker. We never made it. I ended up having him on January 24, 2009. I had sneezed a couple days before that and "blew out" the second stitch. I had some trauma on the Friday (which I will not talk about) and the next morning my water had broke ( so I had thought, but apparently there was still a bulge of fluid there) and I went into contractions. The contractions eased off throughout the day, and after everyone but Shaun left, they started again. They checked, and Kayden's head had gone past the side of the stitch, so they had to cut it. We delivered him around 7pm, and he lived for an hour and a half. I remember just crying and crying - Shaun was crying (this was the first time ever) and I was saying I'm sorry. They had cleaned him up and brought him to us - he died in Shaun's arms. I spent another night in the hospital and the next morning I just wanted to leave - the crying babies were driving me off the deep end. As we were leaving the room, I glanced at the door. Lost it. "I never wanted to see that picture again" I was crying to the nurse. Went home empty handed yet again. Kayden Ryan Forbes was born and grew his wings January 24, 2009. I miss him so much - his kicking, and he kept wedging his foot down where the funneling was - I used to give him shit for that - now I would give anything to have that feeling again...
Went to see a specialist at the Royal Alex in March and he told us to wait before trying again. He figured it was too early - to not try to get a "replacement". Replacement? We wanted a baby!!!! I went to my own doctor and he told me there wasn't time to wait. "The clock was ticking". The months went by, purchasing test after test and still no positive. Then in September, we found out we were expecting again. Our joy would be short-lived. I ended up spotting again in October, went up to the ER again, they said that my HCG levels were good, but come back in three days. Went back in 2 (I had to work that Monday) and they discovered my levels had not dropped, but were not rising. Told to come back again, and I went back, but I was still pregnant, only the levels were the same. On the Sunday, I was having excruciating pain. Thought that I was constipated, as that was the feeling. The Monday morning I finally went up to emergency, when the pain was too much to bear. They couldn't figure out what was wrong - put me on morphine. They called in the resident obgyn, and then took me to ultrasound. The tech asked me if I was sure I was pregnant, as there was no baby there. Back to emergency I go, to wait. Finally they decided to stick a camera through my belly button to check for an ectopic. If there was, he would operate. Come to find out, I was too overweight to do the camera, and they had to open me up anyway. Yes, it was an ectopic. Yes, the tube had burst. I had been internally bleeding for 3-4 days. He pulled out two blood clots the size of his hands - there was close to a litre of blood pooling in my pelvis. I lost the tube and now had a cesarean scar. Gone home empty handed again and yet have a scar that will forever remind me of the baby that isn't. My doctor says that the ectopic was a fluke, as I have no pre-disposition to having that problem. He commends me on how well I am taking it all, as some women would be angry at him and the health system. Why be angry? There was nothing any of us could do. Perhaps there were different choices we could have made - perhaps.
Now I pray everyday to be pregnant again, and yet am scared shitless. What if it happens again? What if I die this time? Will chasing a dream kill me?
Day One of This Journey
So I decided to start a blog. I wanted to get my feelings and dreams out to the world in the hopes that I may find some peace. My blog is titled "All I Have Are Dreams" which is exactly how I feel at the moment. I am living in a dream-world, with my obsessions guiding me day after day. I am obsessed with having a child/getting pregnant/wanting a baby so bad. We have been trying for so long and lost so many babies. I know there are other women out there that have lost many more than I have, couples that have had a baby only to lose them due to SIDS or medical issues, parents that have watched their children grow, only to lose them to an accident or worse. I am in my world though, reliving my horrifying days over and over, anniversary days get harder, seeing others with babies and children and being so jealous of them I only see green and get so bitter. I have, at times, forsaken God - how can someone that is supposed to be righteous be so very cruel? And yet, I look to the skies and pray. Other times I look up and curse Him, ask him "why me? What have I done to deserve this?" I know there was nothing I did wrong to have all those miscarriages, I know there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. But, what if? I could have been put on bed rest from the start with Kayden, with the one we lost July 1/08 at 18 weeks, maybe I should have requested an emergency ultrasound or a second opinion from someone, maybe I shouldn't have gone camping that weekend. With the one we lost on September 27/07, if we had even known we were pregnant, I shouldn't have drank so much coffee, should have taken better care of myself. Yes, I do beat myself up everyday over this. If I didn't have a "broken" body - we would have healthy babies & children right now. I need to stop living in the past - but I see no future at the moment.
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